What values do we want to live by?
In graduate school, I trained in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. The modality is predicated on determining values that will guide behavior. Values are thought of not as goals and ambitions, rather, as guidelines for how to live. They are points of reference for small and large decisions alike. The egoic mind pursues fleeting ideas and pleasures. If there aren’t higher order ideals to consult, the whims of our ego will prevail. It can be important, too, to prioritize values in order of importance to us, in case a decision has two or more values that are at odds. For example, if you identify honesty as your prevailing value while also holding compassion in high esteem, you may have to decide whether or not to lie if you know that it may hurt someone’s feelings.
Sort out your values and note why they are important to you. Authenticity is one of my top values. I don’t want to portray myself in a way that is dissonant with how I feel I am inside. This doesn’t mean I disclose every single private thought, but it means the way I act in the world is in line with how I see myself. I’m not suppressing my “essence” in any way. Honesty is incredibly important to me as well. I’d like people to feel confident that I am not manipulating reality for my own comfort or motives. Decisiveness is also an important guidepost for me. It gives me purpose and feeds my soul to know that I’m aiming at a target that I set out for myself.
What are your acts of omission and commission?
Let’s shift beyond values into how we act in the world. I find it important to determine non negotiable behaviors that we add and remove from our lives. There will still be “maybe” behaviors. In fact, I am quite a proponent of improvisation. Not everything needs to be pre determined. But even improvisation has “rules of the game.”
What are your acts of commission?
Acts of commission are acts that are carried out.
What are behaviors that reflect your values and would help to generate fuel for the person you want to be in this world? Start vague: perhaps you want to dance, strength train, and go to sleep earlier. Now see if you can add specificity: you’ll dance for 5 minutes to a playlist first thing when you wake up, strength train 4x a week with each week focused on a different muscle group, and go to sleep by 11pm on weekdays and by 12am on weekends. It doesn’t need to be obsessively specific, though. If you feel like wiggle room helps to ease the burden of planning, go for it: you’ll go to sleep between 10-11pm on weekdays and 11pm-1am on weekends. Without any guidelines, your circadian rhythms are subjected to your whims and daily circumstances. Know what behaviors you commit to.
What are your acts of omission?
Acts of omission are acts that are removed.
Acts of omission are where we put our foot down and say, “Enough is enough. This behavior diminishes my essence and makes me less of who I want to be in the world. It makes my light dim and confuses me.” For me, short acting mood changing substances had to go. Equanimity is a preferred state of mine, yet every time I drank coffee, smoked weed, or drank alcohol, I was thrusted out of equilibrium and into the pursuit of anything that could change how I felt. I stopped using these substances and my quality of life significantly improved. Having my phone in bed is an absolute no go as well. It is at odds with numerous values of mine and I felt diminished every single time I did it. My sleep worsened, I read less, and I was more distracted. It made how I started and ended my days less fulfilling. These are all obvious indicators for a necessary act of omission: in this case, to get the phone out of the bedroom. But I simultaneously added an act of commission as well: get and set an alarm clock. Notice when the removal of a behavior is enough on its own or when it creates a void worth filling.
Develop goals, ambitions, and a personal narrative
I started off this piece by talking about how values aren’t goals we set for ourselves, rather are guidelines for how we live our lives. But let’s dream for a moment. What are the lives we want to live? What do we want to achieve? When we’re no longer here, how do we want to be remembered? My biggest aim is to help individuals cognitively and behaviorally shift more in the direction of their values, whether that’s through writing, videos, conversation, etc. I want to be a loyal friend and family member. I want to be an emotional rock for a partner. I want to use this time on earth to learn spiritual lessons; aiming higher while not shrinking in shame for where I’m currently at. And on a micro level, I want to be a therapist and write a book. These sorts of visioning exercises encourage decisiveness, too. We can’t solely be motivated by external goals; we also need values to live by. But goals also help us to know how to behave.
Micro forms of decisiveness
-Make plans and put them on your calendar. Don’t leave people (and yourself) in the muck. Follow through on your plans when possible. Show up on time. Lots of options may be sexy, but picking one and following through is sexier.
-Pick your outfit and pack your lunch the evening before. Making decisions in advance encourages the future self to thrive.
-Act as if you’ve already made the decision. Notice how doing so makes you feel. Start to do things that someone who made that decision would do. Deciding between pilates and yoga as your main mechanism for flexibility training? Get a yoga and/or a pilates membership for a month. Act as if you do yoga or pilates. You’ll know after a month what the actual decision should be. Don’t wade in the waters of ambivalence for too long. You may think it’s comfortable and responsible. In fact, it’s just keeping you from being accountable.
Why decisiveness?
Uncertainty is endemic to existence. No exertion of free will can change this. We must accept this. In fact, equanimity can’t be found without such a surrender. But standing strong in the winds of uncertainty and making decisions gives us courage to weather the storm. Decisiveness is a counterpose to the unknown. It will make you stronger, others will feel more confident and comfortable around you, and you will build the fortitude necessary to move with life rather than shirk its responsibilities.
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